


Nuking the Stars

by Del_Rion



Series: Turquoise [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Nightmares, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-30
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-17 08:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/549837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Del_Rion/pseuds/Del_Rion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With all the Avengers have been through in their short time together, flying through a portal and then falling back doesn’t seem like much – nor does it feel like much to Tony either before he realizes he might as well carve a line into the wall next to Afghanistan and the palladium poisoning. While he tries to manage yet another potential breakdown, the Avengers begin their journey to actually become a ‘team’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> Story Info
> 
> **Title:** Nuking the Stars
> 
>  **Author:** Del Rion (delrion.mail (at) gmail.com)
> 
>  **Fandom:** The Avengers  & Iron Man (MCU)
> 
>  **Era:** Post-Avengers movie, between “Sleeping It Off” and “Smashed Heart” fics.
> 
>  **Genre:** Drama
> 
>  **Rating:** T / FRT
> 
>  **Characters:** Bruce Banner (Hulk), Clint Barton (Hawkeye), J.A.R.V.I.S., Pepper Potts, Steve Rogers (Captain America), Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow), Tony Stark (Iron Man), Thor (, Nick Fury, Happy Hogan)
> 
>  **Pairings:** Pepper/Tony
> 
>  **Warnings:** Vague (or very strong) symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), intended but disrupted attempts of self-harm, references to possible alcoholism, language, spoilers for _The Avengers_ movie (and other random spoilers for the rest of the movies in the Avengers cinematic movie universe).
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** Iron Man and Avengers, their characters and everything else belong to Marvel. The movie versions belong to Marvel Studios, Joss Whedon, Jon Favreau, Louis Leterrier, Kenneth Branagh, Joe Johnston, Paramount Pictures, Universal Pictures, Walt Disney Pictures… in short: everyone but me. This is pure fiction, created to entertain likeminded fans, no profit made.
> 
>  **Beta:** Mythra
> 
>  **Feedback:** Appreciated and cherished.
> 
>  
> 
>  **About _Nuking the Stars_ :** In RDJ’s words: _“If you think about someone who saw the skies open up and came through a wormhole – and fought off alien species – suffice to say he’s a little rattled.”_ (Comic Con 2012 “red carpet” interview by AMC Theaters).
> 
> This was supposed to be a one-shot filled with Tony!feels and angst. Somehow it got turned into team building and other things that needed to be addressed at some point of the series.
> 
>  
> 
>  **Chapters and statuses:** Below you see the writing process of the story’s chapters. If there is no text after the chapter’s title, then it is finished and checked. Possible updates shall be marked after the title.
> 
> **Chapter 1: Remembering**   
>  **Chapter 2: Recapture**   
>  **Chapter 3: Relocation**   
>  **Chapter 4: Renovation**   
>  **Chapter 5: Rehashing**   
>  **Chapter 6: Resurface**
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author’s note:** As stated in the “About” section, dedicated to a comment made by Robert Downey Jr. about Tony Stark and his coping with the events seen in _The Avengers_.

## Chapter 1: Remembering

  
  
  


### Stark Tower  
Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

  
  


_The missile shakes in his grip, heat radiating around him. A screen on his HUD is tracking the radiation levels which are spiking too high for comfort. The turn is ahead, a vicious pull in his stomach as he angles the suit and fires up all that’s left and he wonders if he can see his life flashing before his eyes in the remaining windows of the Stark Tower as they pass by, too fast to count them, to pay attention, to reminisce._

_It feels fair that he won’t get to enjoy that, after everything._

_The silence is sudden and obsolete. J.A.R.V.I.S. fades away into static. He’s out of power and out of luck, hanging there, watching the sheer brilliance of a nuclear detonation against the dotted darkness of space. The explosion pushes him back but everything is fading and he feels cold even while facing the incredible heat._

_Closing his eyes he can still see the vision burned into his retinas and it’s the last image he’ll ever see in his life._

_It has never been so dark, not before waking up in the cave and he didn’t know what darkness was like then –_

Tony woke up with a violent jerk that threatened to dislocate one of his hip joints. A gasp was stuck in his dry throat but it didn’t keep him from sitting up, frantically pushing off layers of suffocating sheets and obstructing t-shirt. Finally the familiar glow of the arc reactor washed over his face and he let out a sigh of relief which most definitely didn’t resemble a sob if someone asked him.

“Tony?” Pepper’s sleepy voice murmured from beside him and she turned and blinked at him, hair all over the place. “Did you have a bad dream?” she asked next, barely managing to not sound like someone’s mom – nor did she continue with the question of whether he would like some warm milk to go with that.

“A cramp,” he managed but she knew him well enough to tell that stretching and drinking some water wasn’t going to push this one to the side.

She sat up the rest of the way and lit a bedside lamp – needlessly since he had his own in his chest and J.A.R.V.I.S. could have done that for her – but she probably needed something to help her sort out her mind and extract the last tendrils of sleep from her brain.

He felt exposed under the brighter light but refused to pull up the sheets. He wasn’t going to hide in his own bed while someone was in it with him. He was Tony Stark and his life hadn’t fallen to that level of pathetic just yet.

Pepper shifted beside him, moving closer, touching his over-heated skin. “Tell me,” she insisted. “You’ll feel better.”

“I doubt it.”

“And your way is always so much better.” She didn’t snort or give him a disapproving look but it was all over her words.

Tony slid out of bed before she could tell him what else he did wrong all the time. “I’ll just have a drink. Go back to sleep.” He debated whether leaning over and kissing some part of her body would make her more compliant but decided he wasn’t going to risk being drawn back to bed. She was deceptively strong sometimes, especially when she wanted to be, and right now Pepper looked like she wanted him back in bed and not drinking by the liquor cabinet.

“Tony –”

But he was already out of the room and padding away, J.A.R.V.I.S. turning the hallway lights on dim. Tony knew where he was going, he had designed most of this place, and if there came a day when he couldn’t find his way to a bottle of alcohol whether he was blind or incapacitated, he didn’t deserve to be alive.

Finding said bottle of alcohol and all its next-of-kin, he sat down for a family reunion and didn’t even bother with a glass after a few dips into family history.

In a few hours he knew he had hit the right lever and returned to bed, the sun climbing up beyond the wide windows that gleamed their newness after being replaced in the aftermath of a visit from the Chitauri, the God of Mischief, and the Hulk.

He rolled onto the bed, moaned, shifted closer to Pepper’s warm, soft body, but no sooner had he closed his eyes did she murmur something about the smell, got up, and left.

At that point Tony wasn’t bothered by such small details and simply hugged closer the pillow she had slept on, drifting into a blissfully blank sleep.

  
  
  
  
 _to be continued…_


	2. Recapture

## Chapter 2: Recapture

 

 

### Stark Tower  
Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

_It is dark. The pressure’s changing inside the suit. The exploding inferno, quickly burning out in the lack of oxygen, still glows through his closed eyelids._

_He knows he won’t explode nor will his blood boil. There’s not even a sun to get a burn from. He has never felt further from home, from life, from chances of survival._

_Seconds tick by. He feels pressure in a new way, suffocating him like a fish on dry land._

_He wants to open his eyes and look at something to calm himself, to make him less afraid. He wants to be_ serene _through this, like a goddamn hero ought to be when faced with death after saving the people he loves._

_Instead he wants to scream, but if there’s no air left –_

“Tony! Oh my God, Tony, please, breathe!” 

He came to suddenly, his mind dragging a mile behind his body. No inferno in front of him; just Pepper’s scared face and the lights in the room that had no right to be so damn bright. 

“You’re okay!” Pepper hurried to say, more to reassure herself since Tony had no idea what was going on. Well, he felt like he’d been holding his breath for way too long, his body burning, limbs tingling and everything felt just a little too weird. “Just lie there and breathe. Bruce is on the way.” 

Bruce? Tony blinked then tried to think of a reason why Banner was coming to their bedroom – not that he minded, not really, but that was not something he should probably tell Pepper although it probably wouldn’t surprise her. 

Regardless of all the things he wanted to do he stayed still, breathing, collecting himself. 

_“Dr. Banner is here,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. announced just before there was a quick knock and the door opening, admitting Bruce Banner into the room. The man looked like he had just gotten out of bed, glasses barely on his nose, clothes pulled on haphazardly and his hair even more unruly than usual. 

“Hey Doc,” Tony smiled at him cheerfully. 

Banner gave him a look. “He’s awake.” 

“He just woke up,” Pepper hurried to speak, voice trembling. It reminded Tony of the night Stane tried to kill her with the Iron Monger suit. He had never wanted to make her sound like that again, least of all because of something he did. “He wasn’t breathing earlier and J.A.R.V.I.S. is the one who woke me up, actually.” She seemed most terrified of that and there were actually tears on her face. “Oh my God, I would have just slept while you died!” she gasped, looking down at Tony with a horrified expression. 

“Calm down,” Banner said before Tony could piece a sentence together. “J.A.R.V.I.S.,” he then spoke towards the ceiling, “has this happened before?” 

_“This is the first episode of sleep apnea or anything that resembles it, Dr. Banner.”_

While J.A.R.V.I.S. and Banner talked shop – how hot was _that_? – Tony tried to piece together the clues. Pepper still sat beside him and was trying to clean her face, probably forgetting she didn’t have make-up on that would smear when she cried. 

Tony shifted, moving his hand to her thigh, just below the nightgown, getting her attention. He tried a comforting smile then pushed himself to sit up. Tony still felt winded – a sensation too close to the reality of his dream. “Banner,” he noted, “can we move this discussion outside?” 

“No!” Pepper snapped. “You’ve been having nightmares for days. You drink yourself unconscious after it or hide in your lab until you’re ready to collapse. Now this! I’m done.” 

“How do you think _I_ feel?” Tony snapped, not seeing it coming before it was on his lips. Pepper looked at him with a stricken face. He wanted to take it back, he really did, but he was tired and shaking and if it had just been a surreal dream he could deal with that. 

But not when it was real. 

Not when it was memories that kept haunting his brain at the most inconvenient of times. 

He turned on his heels and marched out, leaving Banner in the dust. “Start up the Mark 7,” he said to the empty walls as he walked a few floors down. “Let’s take it out for a spin.” 

_“The armor is ready for deployment,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. replied. 

Since there was no need to go flying out of a window tonight, Tony put the armor on the old-fashioned way. He recalled at once why he had started wearing certain types of clothes under it; too much clothing and the wrong kind of edges chafed and pained him, while too little left him exposed to the interior of the suit – which wasn’t the most comfortable sensation either. He wasn’t going back to change, however, and after the faceplate snapped down into place he remotely opened the sliding panels in the wall to let himself out. 

It didn’t take long before his solitude was broken again: 

_`“Tony, did you just fly off in a suit?!”`_ Pepper demanded through the comm signal. 

“I’m allowed to do that. And please stop screaming; you’re making my ears ring.” 

_`“Come back, right now,”`_ she ordered. _`“We’re not done talking about this.”`_

“I am,” Tony noted and shut down the signal since he was certain he could not just tune her out. 

_“Sir, Miss Potts appears to be in some sort of emotional turmoil,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. piped up. 

“She’ll get through it. She’s a big girl,” Tony noted. A bridge passed beneath him, the lights bright in the dark. He turned his head, gazing at it from above and the resemblance to a similar situation shot through him. Spinning around in the air he flew lower, just over the water, stopped then sped out under it, seeking the darkness for something that was no longer there. 

The path to the tower looked different during the night but he could remember it, seared into his brain although he hadn’t even paid attention at the time; every building, some of them still wrapped and under construction. There had been few people on the streets then, just like there were now although New York City never truly slept… 

Tony could see the tower, his name once again affixed to its side, a beacon of light above the buildings around it. He increased the power to the thrusters, mimicking the speed. “Prepare for a ninety-degree turn,” he said, seeing the HUD coming to life with calculations on how much power and coordination such a maneuver would take. 

It would either work or he would go splat against the Stark Tower but he knew he could do it and when the flaps opened and extra thrusters began to work he felt his stomach jump and then drop. He wasn’t clinging to a nuclear missile this time but the pressure was the same, the hum of engines in his ears, the cool determination. The glass windows rattled as he passed them, almost within a touching distance. He kept shooting higher, past the building, into the dark night sky and he could see the stars – but not the same stars. 

There was no portal, no enemy ship waiting to be destroyed. 

He stopped, hovered in the air, feeling the gravity or at least pretending to. 

“Shut down all systems,” he commanded and everything went dark in a split second as J.A.R.V.I.S. did his bidding. 

Gravity took hold and pulled him back down. He wondered if this had been what it felt like, falling back from the portal as it closed around him, so close to trapping him to the other side. He tried to go limp, to free-fall, the ground coming closer. His eyes were better at measuring the distance these days but it was still surprising how the buildings were suddenly there and he was crashing down past them. He could make out the cars, the few random people in the night. 

He could make out the white markings in the road when the armor suddenly pulsed back into life around him, jerking his hands and feet to a new position as if he were just a lifeless toy inside. The thrusters worked full-time to stop the fall that would have had him leave an Iron Man –shaped crater in the street – if the armor survived the impact, that is. 

_“Sir,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. spoke up, _“an event falling under the category of potentially life-threatening or hazardous results has occurred. I am flying the Iron Man armor back to the landing pad for disassembly.”_

Which reminded him to never wear the suit if he tried to commit suicide. 

Tony twitched, his body still being manhandled as J.A.R.V.I.S. made them shoot up again. In a moment of madness he found himself laughing uncontrollably for the last few seconds before the sound turned into another sob-like breath and he swallowed it as the suit landed on the launch pad with a solid thud. He knew that if he didn’t walk down, J.A.R.V.I.S. would do that for him and the thought was an uncomfortable one so he chose to stroll down, feeling tense and bruised suddenly. 

Pepper and Banner were in the newly refurbished lounge – alongside Happy Hogan who had probably been summoned by Pepper like Thor did with his lightning, and who wore his ‘ _Pepper told me you’ve been misbehaving and now I’m here to make her feel better while you should feel like crap_ ’ –face. 

As soon as the armor was off, Pepper was at the doors, welcoming him in with a conflicted face. On the one hand she looked like she might kiss him and on the other her fists were tensed and maybe she wanted to slap him instead. Or punch. She was probably more the punching type. 

“Are you insane?” she finally asked in a barely contained scream. Where had he heard that before? Right: Monaco. “The entire building was shaking when you flew by it! Do you have any idea how dangerous that looked?” 

Clearly she had missed his near speed-date with the road below – something to be thankful for – and Tony tried to look guilty. Only, he was still kind of upset and should go check on J.A.R.V.I.S.’s programming after the stunt the AI pulled tonight. Of course he was meant to look after Tony; his well-being was J.A.R.V.I.S.’s main concern so perhaps his earlier indulgence of a moment he didn’t even remember had been a bit far-gone on the field of self-preservation… 

“Are you even _listening_ to what I’m saying?” Pepper screamed then. 

“Yes,” he lied. 

“No, you’re not,” she deflated slightly, pulling back, face incredibly hurt. “I don’t know how to do this, Tony. There’s no manual for this, no guidebook on ‘How To Fix My Emotionally Damaged Super-hero Boyfriend’. I’m tired of you pushing me away and then asking me to come back in the next moment. I’m tired of you drinking away your problems after all these years when you know it’s not going to accomplish a damn thing! I’m tired of you not trusting people when they want to help you, refusing to let them in, or even admitting that there is a problem.” 

“I’m working on it,” was the only thing Tony could say. Drinking had been his number one solution and it hadn’t accomplished much. Working was another outlet; it always made him calm and centered. Maybe he needed to do more of that since the scene outside had proved he might not be as over their most recent battle as he liked to think. 

“Tony,” Banner started, stepping forward. 

For an instant Tony thought maybe the man knew what he had been doing – imagining he was doing – outside, but then recalled that his fellow scientist probably had an even hazier memory of the battle and his fall than he did. 

“You know the problem isn’t going to fix itself, right?” Banner finally decided on his approach. 

“You would know all about that,” Tony snapped although not as bitingly as he could have because Banner was a good man and Tony liked him. “I’ll go to the lab, work on the problem, and I’d appreciate you leaving me alone while I’m doing that.” 

Pepper let out a loud sigh and sagged down to sit on a couch. Happy slid down beside her, quiet but not failing to give Tony a dark look. He would take care of Pepper and Banner would take care of himself, which meant Tony could slink down and disappear into the depths of his workshop until such a time that he felt comfortable coming out again. 

J.A.R.V.I.S. lit the lights when he walked in, closing and locking the doors and switching on screens and holographic projections all around him. Tony stood there for a moment, staring at nothing in particular, recalling the ground rushing up to meet him as he fell, armor whipped by wind he couldn’t feel on his skin. 

“J.A.R.V.I.S.,” he spoke up. 

_“Yes, sir?”_ the AI responded at once, sounding as calm and collected as always. 

“Thank you,” Tony said, voice lower but he knew that as long as he was making a sound or even moving his lips, J.A.R.V.I.S. would know what he wanted to say. “For saving my life,” he then added – more to himself than for the AI’s sake; he had a feeling J.A.R.V.I.S. would know what he meant even if he didn’t specify. 

_“It was my pleasure, sir,”_ was all the reply he got although Tony was certain there was so much more on J.A.R.V.I.S.’s virtual tongue. He wondered if he would discover more about that if he looked at J.A.R.V.I.S.’s program development but he didn’t feel inspired to do that. Instead he pulled up some new armor specs and sat down, still half-clothed but the temperature in the workshop was pleasant and soon enough he wasn’t thinking of the dreams, dying in space or the fall anymore, instead focused on the project at hand. 

 

 

_to be continued…_


	3. Relocation

****

## Chapter 3: Relocation

 

 

****

### Stark Tower  
Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

_The sky and the first layer of clouds are replaced by darkness. He sees more of the Chitauri and the dark hull of their mothership looming ahead – the only sources of light next to the distant stars. J.A.R.V.I.S. and the call to Pepper vanish. HUD shows him that the suit is all but powerless before shutting down._

_Could he swim back if he started now?_

_His body aches from the battle he just left behind. The exosystems haven’t kicked in yet – nor are they going to. His eyes follow the bright path of the nuke he’s guided all the way here, helpless to do anything else, unwilling to let his fear take over._

_The explosion propels him backwards._

_Air’s running thin, making his lungs burn._

_The suit starts to go dark around him._

_Perhaps if he can fall asleep very quickly, it won’t hurt as much…_

He jerked and opened his eyes, already pushing back the covers to welcome the glow of the arc reactor. It was familiar already, waking up like this, but he was still glad Pepper was gone on a business trip so that she didn’t have to force that expression to her face that barely covered the worry she had been trying to articulate to him for the past few weeks. 

Tony breathed deeply, closing his eyes briefly but that threw him right back to the dream. He felt cold and decided on a hot shower no matter what the hour. At least in his dream he wasn’t drowning, only suffocating and feeling the incredible pressure of certain death. 

The sensation of drowning belonged to another set of nightmares… 

Showering didn’t actually help him process the dream, his various issues with its persistent reoccurrence or how he had been unable to banish it. Abandoning the normally fruitless attempt to resume sleeping he put on some clothes and left the bedroom, moving up to the lounge and through it to the kitchen area to get some coffee. 

J.A.R.V.I.S., probably noting his movements, had already put the coffee maker on so he didn’t have to wait for very long before he had a steaming cup in his hand. He stood gazing at the dozing city, the skies clear of the news choppers and tourist flights. He was just thinking of stepping outside to take a better look at the streets – and the street in particular where he almost had ended up flat as a pancake a few nights ago – when the AI interrupted his plan: 

_“Sir, Agents Barton and Romanoff have just entered the building.”_

“Is something going on?” There hadn’t been a call to assemble, he was sure of that, and they wouldn’t come here. He had given all the Avengers their own keys and floors should any of them ever want to visit – or stay like he hoped Banner would – but J.A.R.V.I.S. was still instructed to tell him when any of them arrived or left. He was their host, after all, so it was only fair to spy on them a little. It was the least Tony could do to live up to their expectations. 

_“Nothing alarming has come to my attention,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. informed him after a pause that lasted a few seconds – no doubt using the time to check all frequencies and recent messages again. 

“Okay then,” Tony frowned and sipped his coffee. 

Soon the elevator came up and the two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents stepped in. Well, Tony wasn’t completely certain whether they still worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. while being active with the Avengers but he doubted Fury wanted to let go of his two favorite dogs. Both Barton and Romanoff carried large bags with them – the contents of which were a mystery to Tony but he could make many guesses. Maybe he would have J.A.R.V.I.S. scan them and see how correct his assumptions were. 

“What’s up?” he asked instead. 

Barton frowned, dropping his bag on the floor. “I didn’t think you would be up this early in the morning.” 

“Who says I have gone to sleep yet?” Tony shot back. 

Barton shrugged like he didn’t care either way. 

“Does the offer still stand that we have our own accommodations here?” Romanoff spoke up next. She was still holding her bag as if it weighted no more than she could comfortably carry around. 

Tony tried not to frown too much in confusion. “Sure. I still have plenty of room that I haven’t thought of a better use for and I gave you keys, right? I assume I would have taken them back or set them to self-destruct if the offer was off the table.” 

Which was an awesome idea: self-destructing keys; it would blow the lid off the market with no more unnecessary changing of locks! 

“Cool,” was all Barton said while picking up his bag again. 

“J.A.R.V.I.S. will guide us there,” Romanoff decided and they both disappeared back into the elevator. 

“Huh,” Tony blinked. 

* * *

That was how Natasha and Clint moved into the tower. Without fanfare or explosions they just settled in and when not spending time in their rooms and private gyms they would commandeer Tony’s couch and enjoy the entertainment set. A few times he tried to ask them if there was a particular reason for their newfound desire to move into the Stark Tower – he even asked if Banner had found out – but neither agent gave them a valid reason. A few times a comment was made that perhaps the Avengers gig or Barton being under Loki’s command had caused some ill commentary within S.H.I.E.L.D. but mostly Tony liked to think that his digs were way better than anything S.H.I.E.L.D. could offer. 

It was strange having them around. Then again, it should have been strange when Banner came home with him but that was different; at least they had something more in common than occasionally saving the world together. 

Pepper didn’t question any of it when she came back but their time together was somehow more crowded as much as Barton and Romanoff stayed out of their way. Pepper even enjoyed spending time with Romanoff and refused to admit she was hurt by her previous duplicity and betrayal. “It’s nice having her around,” Pepper said simply. “You just don’t understand how women work.” 

Tony admitted nothing but in this particular case he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to; they might fight alongside each other but as far as he was concerned, Romanoff was still a double-agent and he would keep an eye on her – plus some mechanical optics tracing her movements, just in case. He kept that part secret from Pepper since she might get the wrong impression. 

No part of the arrangement really bothered Tony – other than his curiosity for its origin which had so far left him unsatisfied. The agents kept to themselves and had no access to Tony’s actual living space so there was no fear of some infiltration mission from Fury. While waiting for more clues to surface, he just had to bide his time and guess. 

Of course there were times when he would have loved to have had the entire building to Pepper and himself; Banner was extremely good at making himself scarce and spending almost more time in the labs than Tony himself. It left Tony just as free to make out with Pepper in the main living room as before, knowing that a little closeness went a long way in driving her worries under the carpet. One day he might even figure out how to sweep them there permanently but he knew he needed to stop having nightmares first. 

As it was, he was trying to get Pepper into a mood for something other than kissing – which was perfectly nice too. They had planned on watching a movie Pepper had wanted to see – and the movie was actually rolling on the screen but there were suddenly far more interesting things happening between their mouths and they could always restart the film later. 

“What are you watching? How come there’s no popcorn?” 

Tony drew back from Pepper reluctantly, glaring up at Barton who had appeared out of nowhere, standing there, looking at the screen. “We’re a little busy,” he started to say. 

“We’re watching _The Artist_. There are popcorn bags in the kitchen, I think. Would you and Natasha like to join us?” Pepper asked, licking her lips quickly. 

Tony groaned and tried to get her attention to tell her ‘ _no, they’re not going to join us!_ ’, but she wasn’t getting it. If Tony didn’t know any better, he would have thought Pepper didn’t want to be alone with him. 

Barton disappeared into the kitchen but not long after Romanoff replaced him, smiling at Pepper and making herself comfortable in another section of the couch. Tony tried not to pout as Barton returned and they started the movie all over again. 

“You’re too old to sulk, Stark,” Barton told him, not even looking as he threw a handful of popcorn into his mouth – with impeccable aim, as usual. Tony hoped he choked on it. 

Pepper elbowed Tony softly then curled up next to him, getting into the movie which was a sign that there was no more making out tonight – not before bed, and by that time it was likely that Iron Man would be needed somewhere. He might have gone out for a flight right that moment if it didn’t make him feel like he was running away from his own home and the people in it. How backwards was that? 

“Maybe I should dust off the mansion and move the Avengers there,” he mused out loud. 

He saw Pepper look at him from the corner of his eye. “That’s not a bad idea.” 

“You have a mansion?” Barton perked up at once. 

“The Stark mansion in Manhattan. You didn’t know about that?” Romanoff glanced at the archer. 

“No, I didn’t. Stark, if you have a mansion we should seriously move in there – because, hello, a _mansion_. And we’re not talking about some teeny tiny summer cottage, right?” 

Tony raised an eyebrow at him. “Have you ever seen me own anything small – unless its greatness was underlined by its lack of size? It’s a family place, hasn’t been used since…” He stopped. _Not since his parents died._ “In a while,” he finally concluded. Pepper slid a hand over to hold one of his. 

Barton grinned through the entire movie and eagerly pointed out afterwards that whenever Tony felt like relocating them, he was on it. 

  
  
****

### Stark Manor  
Fifth Avenue, Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

  


The mansion and its grounds took up an entire city block. 

Barton was sufficiently awed looking at the old building. “Much as I like the heights of the Stark Tower, I refer to my earlier comment: a fucking _mansion_ ,” he nodded with approval. 

“It’s a big place for just a few people.” Trust Captain Modesty to ruin everyone’s fun; Steve Rogers had contacted them the very morning they happened to plan on visiting the Stark family manor and decided to accompany them there. After all, if the team was about to take up residence in a new location he should at least be there, right? Rogers looked up along the tall wall and the windows reflecting the sun’s rays, everything looking clean and taken care of although no one had been living in the place for decades; the place was being looked after although no one was actively staying on the grounds. 

“There will be enough space that we won’t step on each other’s toes,” Tony stated, stepping forward. The others followed him, Barton still looking excited, Romanoff and Banner taking in the surroundings and Rogers looking like he imagined living in the broom closet of this building – which was probably bigger than his place in Brooklyn, Tony thought. Not that he had ever seen Rogers’ place but he could imagine what it was like. 

His keys opened the main door, letting them into a long corridor that smelled of _old_ ; while the building was being taken care of, at least on the outside, no one had set foot inside in months, if not years. Furniture sat still with sheets over them, like ghosts of his past. 

“Spooky,” Banner commented. His hands were in front of him, making their restless twist-turn-caress thing as he looked around. 

Barton wasn’t turned off so easily. He looked around, took off his sunglasses and stated: “I call dibs on one of the top-floor rooms.” 

Tony rolled his eyes and moved further inside, finding a light switch. That, among many other things, was something he would update as soon as he could. Installing J.A.R.V.I.S. was near the very top. 

While the others moved around, checking out the surroundings, Tony found himself once again in the midst of memories. While the ones associated with this building didn’t give him nightmares, it didn’t mean they were any less unpleasant. 

“Who’s that in the picture?” Barton asked from the small lounge. 

“I think that is Howard Stark,” Rogers replied and Tony stepped into the doorway to see them peering at a dust-covered photo. “He looks older than when I last saw him,” the super-soldier went on. His words twisted an invisible knife in Tony’s guts, and as if sensing that, Rogers looked up, blue eyes piercing. He lifted the frame as if Tony could see that far, then asked: “Is that you and your parents?” 

He could make out the familiar family portrait; his father in a suit, a drink momentarily not in his hand; his mother, beautiful and unblemished as always; Tony, no more than twelve years old, also in a suit, eyes wide, hair combed neatly and with his back so straight it would have broken from an attempt to look even more his best. “Yeah,” he finally replied. 

Rogers looked at the picture again, almost fondly, then lowered it slightly and fisted his shirt, trying to brush away the rest of the dust. 

“You must have a lot of memories from this place,” Banner joined them from an adjoining room, peering at the picture curiously. 

“Not as many as you would think,” Tony shrugged, indifference in his posture which he had rehearsed so often through the years that it was like a second skin. “I didn’t stay here all that often; between boarding school and MIT I didn’t spend too many vacations at home.” 

Perhaps that was why he suddenly remembered why no one had stepped inside this house for such a long time. It had never felt like home to him, and after his parents passed it was filled with all the dirt and nastiness he wanted to leave behind and bury for good. His mother’s trust-fund had kept the place standing and in good condition until now but it didn’t feel like anyone’s home – least of all his. 

“You know, we can just look at some other place,” he started. 

Rogers put the picture back on the table. It looked strange now, free of the dust while everything else was still coated with a steady sheet of gray. “If you don’t want us in your family home, we understand.” 

“It wasn’t my home,” Tony snapped, a bit harder than he intended. 

“Good,” Barton said cheerfully, completely dismissing any emotional struggle that may have gone on – although Tony was certain the agent had noticed it. “Then there’s no reason why you can’t show me to my new room.” 

He set off towards the grand double staircase at the end of the hall and Tony supposed he might as well replace all the ugly memories with ones of his own creation – in other words, transforming the manor into an Avengers Mansion. 

Tony couldn’t wait to see Fury roll his eye at that one. 

 

 

_to be continued…_


	4. Renovation

****

## Chapter 4: Renovation

 

 

****

### Stark Manor  
Fifth Avenue, Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

There was no way Tony wasn’t going to remodel the mansion a bit, especially to include some lab space for him and Bruce. He had been about to hire someone for the job but as usual, Rogers refused the idea outright: 

“We can do it. Well, as long as there’s no need for professional input, in which case we’ll get it,” he had noted, looking around the living room. 

“I hear you built a particle accelerator in your basement in Malibu; this ought to be a walk in the park,” Banner had chorused. 

Tony had never taken Banner for a do-it-yourself guy, other than what being on the run demanded, but Rogers seemed to think working on their new home was the least they could do, plus it was a good team exercise. 

Thor and his hammer arrived just in time for renovations; whether or not he knew something was going on, he didn’t say, but he landed on the front yard the very morning they started tearing down some walls and seemed cheery at the prospect of physical labor: “Mjolnir is both a tool to build and destroy,” he declared and Tony hurried to tell him not to start smashing every wall that stood before him; they weren’t taking down the entire building, although that might have been easier. 

Everyone picked up some tools – well, most of them did, because Banner was still a bit leery of such physical destruction and the chance it might trigger the other guy. 

“Let him out; there are walls for him to smash here, with permission. I’ll spray paint targets for him,” Tony offered. 

“As much as I… appreciate the offer, I think I’ll pass,” the scientist replied and instead made himself comfortable next to the construction plans, which was something someone needed to keep an eye on anyway should Thor get a little hammer-happy. Plus, once Rogers got into the swing of things it seemed like something he enjoyed, too, seeing as there hadn’t been any villains to combat for the last week or so. 

It was a good stress reliever, there was no denying that, and Tony threw himself at it with gusto. 

At some point during the first day he climbed out of the room where they had destroyed each of the four walls around the load-bearing pillars. Dust was in the air and he smelled of sweat, dust sticking to his skin. He wandered outside for a break and something to drink, finding most of the Avengers already lying down on the grass. 

Barton, as usual, was perched higher than the others, on top of one of the cabinets they had carried outside. “I didn’t think he was capable of breaking a sweat over such menial work,” the archer commented, sipping bottled water, sunglasses on his nose. 

Tony raised an eyebrow at him, one hand dropping the tools and rising up to ruffle his dirty hair, the other diving for an untouched bottle of water. “No one may have told you but engineering is hard, dirty work. You should look into it sometime.” 

“Now, now,” Banner started like a teacher rebuking two loud-mouthed students. 

“Do you Midgardians not value the work of your elders?” Thor mused, looking sweaty and dirty but not particularly weary, leaning casually on one of the tables which was creaking slightly under his weight. 

Tony swallowed a mouthful of water the wrong way and had to cough a bit before he could actually retort. “Elders?” 

Barton bellowed with laughter. 

“I meant no disrespect,” Thor put on his puppy-face, earnest to fix a mistake he had clearly made. 

“You called me ‘old’,” Tony pointed out. 

“He called you ‘elder’,” Rogers dared to remind him, as if that was better. 

“Capsicle here is an ‘elder’,” Tony informed everyone present. “And if I’m correct, you’re millennia old, so you don’t get to call anyone here ‘old’, Thundercat.” 

“Is that a species on your planet?” Thor inquired. “I have not heard of such a thing but it sounds interesting.” 

“No,” Romanoff informed the Asgardian calmly. “For further reference, though, don’t call Stark anything that might make him feel his age; he’s really sensitive about the grey in his hair.” 

Tony shot her a dirty look. “Really? We’re going there?” 

“I’ve seen the hair products in your bathroom.” 

“Ouch,” Barton grinned. 

“Is no one going to ask what she was doing in _my_ bathroom?” Tony asked, trying to imply something other than that she had been snooping around his private areas, which really wasn’t acceptable, but there was no need to tell anyone that. They might as well envision the two of them together – 

“Fat chance, Stark,” she shot that image down. 

“But you _were_ in my bathroom,” he insisted as if it was some kind of victory. 

Rogers let out an uncomfortable sound as if something were stuck in his throat. “Can we agree not to go into each others’ bathrooms – without the owner’s express permission?” he suggested. 

“It’s my house,” Tony started. 

“Where you’ve invited us to stay. It’s very gracious of you and shows that you want us to feel at home here – which means giving us our privacy,” Banner noted, the bastard; in order to have him stay, Tony would have to give in to a lot of demands from the others, he guessed. Still, having the scientist there would be worth it. 

“Fine,” he shrugged. “See if I care what you do in your private areas.” 

Rogers nodded happily. “Shouldn’t we get back to work?” he asked next, to move them back towards something that didn’t require so much heated debate. 

They went back indoors and worked for another few hours. There were a few possible safety risks, such as when Thor grew weary of the unyielding – or maybe too yielding – section of a wall and sent Mjolnir pummeling through it, which accidentally cut through three more walls in the process, as well as one water pipe. Not only did Barton almost lose his head, but Tony was completely drenched and almost drowned – not to mention in danger of electrocution – on the lower floor where he was working on some wires. 

“That was not supposed to happen,” Thor offered when he pulled Tony’s soaked form out of the hole in the floor. 

“I would hate to see what happens when you mean to do that,” Tony observed dryly, then thought about it for a split second. “Okay, scratch that; I would love to see what happens when you go into full demolition-mode, but preferably not when I’m in the building – without the suit anyway.” 

“I found the valve!” Banner yelled from another room. There was a brief silence, then he called out again: “It’s stuck. Steve, come give me a hand.” 

That should have been a very bad sign. For a moment there was no more discussion, then a slight creak echoed out all the way to them, followed by double-yelps. All the remaining Avengers rushed over to see, only to be faced with a new spray of water and Rogers standing there with a couple pieces of the valve in his hands. “I didn’t mean to –” he started helplessly. 

Banner moved to the side, shielding his face from the water. “We need to close it,” he said needlessly, looking like a drowned rat; for whatever reason Tony had the sudden inclination to take him home and gently dry him with a towel for the rest of the night. 

Thor stepped closer, punched his fist through the wall, then yanked at the pipe and twisted it into some kind of half-bow. The spray slowed down to a dribble then was cut off completely. 

“I guess that works, too,” Tony mused then shivered from the sudden cold. 

“I think we’re done for the day,” Romanoff said from behind them all. It looked like she hadn’t been caught by one drop of water. 

Rogers looked at Tony apologetically, still holding the valve pieces, which Tony took from him and tossed to the side. “Let’s go eat something,” he suggested then. 

“I think we should change first,” Banner smiled wryly, attempting to dry his glasses that had been thrown askew on his face by the water’s pressure. 

“Agreed,” Tony relented. 

They had a change of clothes at the mansion and there were still working showers in the other part of the building so they decided to shower there and then head out to eat before calling it a night. 

Tony was among the first to claim a shower, enjoying the warmth of the water and the clean clothes, settling down to wait for the others. He yawned and stretched out on a couch that was still covered in plastic, then shifted and pushed the annoying cover off to the side and lay down again. Might as well test the furniture and see how much new stuff he should bring in once they had the rooms done. 

That was how he fell asleep, warm and dry, worn out from the day’s activities and the lack of proper sleep… 

_The darkness is all-encompassing. It has swallowed everything – every star, every light in the suit – and it will devour his soul next, sucking out his very life._

_It will hurt._

_It won’t be quick._

_He wants it to be painless and fast, just like everyone who has ever had to face the inevitability of dying._

_Most of all, he realizes he doesn’t want to be alone in this, but there is no one here but the vast darkness and the last glow of the explosion, pushing him backwards, further away from the last signs of life he’ll ever see –_

“Is he breathing?” 

“Tony!” 

He felt something like a slap on his face, jerking up, breath caught painfully in his throat. Nostrils flaring, he stared straight ahead because moving his head or eyes seemed impossible. 

Banner’s face loomed right there, Barton at his shoulder, looking concerned. 

“What?” he finally managed to croak. Say. Well, okay, it was a croak – he could barely breathe so speaking was a little hard. 

“Fuck, Stark!” Barton snapped, pacing a little, wandering in and out of his field of vision. “Don’t do that! Do you know how creepy that was?” 

“Clint, shut up,” Romanoff’s voice commanded from the side. 

Banner shifted and Tony realized only then that his face was kind of numb, yet it stung on the left side beneath Banner’s hand. The other cheek felt fairly normal under the numbness. 

“Did you… hit me?” Tony asked, narrowing his eyes. His lungs were trying to work, to compensate for the lack of activity, making him shake and shiver although he tried to stop. His mind was locking down on itself as if in a seizure. 

“Yeah, I… Tony, breathe. You have to breathe. Here, hold my hand. Can you feel my hand?” 

Tony felt it, distantly. He tried to look, tried to squeeze, to tell him he didn’t need it, but… “Yeah, I…” He didn’t know what to say and he was shaking so badly it was ridiculous. Breathing evenly was impossible. 

“Steve,” Banner called, “come here. Hold his hands for me.” 

Tony wanted to tell him no, that it was fine – he would be fine – but then he felt a firmer, warmer grasp and a glimpse of Rogers’ golden hair. 

Banner had raised himself up a little higher, touching his face again, searching his eyes. “Breathe with me. In. Come on, do it slowly, there’s no hurry. In,” he repeated, breathing in as an example and Tony tried to copy it, he really did, but his mind was still in full panic-mode and his heart felt ready to tear right out of his chest. 

“Breathe. Stop thinking, you’ll just make it worse. Focus on something else,” Banner went on, unhurried, un-panicked, unaffected – yet there was concern in his eyes. His hold on Tony’s face was gentle yet firm. “You’re awake, you’re okay,” he went on talking, keeping the tone and speed in check. Tony wondered if he used to do it a lot, although he didn’t think this was what he had been tackling while playing doctor in one of those piss-poor countries. “You’re safe, Tony,” he added, which seemed to trigger… something. 

“You’re safe,” Rogers chorused, shifting his hold on his hands, strong fingers holding him, encompassing him, steadying him, and as much as Tony wanted him to let the fuck go, it was all he needed. 

He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t floating in space, afraid, dying, suffocating… 

“You’re safe,” Banner said in almost a whisper. 

Tony felt his mind stop spiraling out of control and his heart calmed down. He felt lightheaded, as if the blood had gone into all the wrong places, the world a bit hazy around him until he could properly focus again. Everyone was gathered around the couch where he had decided to take a nap, the entire room hushed. 

Banner’s hands slowly fell from his face and he smiled gently. He didn’t smile like that a lot, Tony knew. It was reserved for very few people in very special moments. “Okay?” he asked. 

Tony nodded, trying to find his voice. 

“You can let go now, Steve. Thanks.” 

Rogers nodded and slowly let go – without a parting pat which Tony was totally waiting for – then straightened up and took a small step back as if to give him space and remove himself from the potential snark-zone. 

“What was that?” Barton asked again. Tony could remember his voice, moments before he was jarred out of the dream. A second before Banner struck him across the face. He raised one hand up to feel his cheek but knew there would be no sign when he found an actual mirror; the pain wasn’t strong enough to indicate bruising. 

“That was a panic attack,” Banner said casually, as if Tony had just pulled a muscle or something. 

“Is it common?” Thor asked – as if he expected it to be contagious in some way. “My people experience unease during their rest at times, but I think I have not witnessed something like this.” 

“Common enough,” Rogers said surprisingly. Everyone looked at him and he shrugged. “I was in a war. Panic attacks or freezing under pressure were not exactly uncommon.” He then looked at Tony. “What triggered it?” 

Tony shrugged. “Who knows. I’m fine now, let’s go and… What were we going to do?” 

“Eat,” Romanoff reminded him but didn’t make a move from the foot of the couch. “Not before you’ve stopped shaking.” 

Tony gave her a challenging look, ready to raise himself, but Banner chose that moment to sit by his feet – which meant they were not going anywhere right now. “Was it the dreams again?” he asked, pulling out his glasses, cleaning them, playing with them so that he didn’t have a reason to look at Tony – which was very clever, considering that Tony would have stared him down and not answered a damn question. This way he was almost coerced to do it. 

“Perhaps speaking of it will ease your mind,” Thor nodded, looking all too sympathetic for someone who didn’t understand what was happening. Tony wondered if he had ever had a bad night’s sleep in his life. 

“I doubt it,” Tony grunted. 

“You won’t know till you try,” Rogers ganged up with the rest of them. “This isn’t something you can fix with a warm shower and a refreshing run.” 

Tony glanced at him, wondering if Cap was talking from experience. What did he dream about? Falling into the ice? 

Suddenly he didn’t feel so suspicious about the man’s concern. 

“Stark,” Romanoff started, “if there’s someone you’re willing to talk to – or someone you don’t want to hear about it – that’s fine. But this isn’t…” 

“Healthy,” Barton threw in. “I’ve had my share of nightmares recently. I sure as hell don’t want to know what caused yours.” 

Tony didn’t know where to look without looking at one of them so he stared at his lap, his feet, finally ending up looking at Banner again. 

“Do you want the rest of us to go?” Rogers asked. 

“No,” Tony said before Banner opened his mouth. “Let’s just… go and get some food, okay? I don’t want to dwell on it.” 

“Sooner or later, you’ll have to,” Barton responded but they were all hungry and Tony wasn’t going to be coerced into talking about it, although he’d been pretty damn close. 

He pushed himself up, taking a few minutes to get his limbs under control, then managed to follow the others out of the room and into the outside world that was just as full of life and light as the last time he saw it. 

 

 

_to be continued…_


	5. Rehashing

****

## Chapter 5: Rehashing

 

 

****

### Stark Manor  
Fifth Avenue, Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

_He shoots up higher and higher, fighting against gravity – until it suddenly stops. His stomach drops, the speed seems to both accelerate and slow down at the same time, the familiar skies changing into the darkness of space._

_He has flown high before, higher than most, looking at the world as it lies small and distant beneath him, but the difference between sky and space is shattering and fear grips him like never before._

_His arms release the nuke, letting it fly forward. Its course stays true and their enemies are out of time._

_So is he; the suit is shutting down, the power gone. He won’t pummel back to familiar ground, instead floating, slowly, like a discarded piece of metal shot out of orbit and forgotten forever._

_Just scraps and one dying human being._

_The explosion is brilliant and he wants to watch it forever, doesn’t want to forget this last thing he did; this is why he’s here, this is why he’ll die alone and it should mean so much to him, yet at this last moment it means nothing at all and he wants to take it all back, to crawl home, to be safe and alive again, but the light’s gone and he’s alone, screaming in his head, wanting it to be over if it has to be, anything but the silence, his own labored breaths sending him over the edge to full-blown panic._

He woke with the familiar horror coursing through him; animal fear and terror. 

The room was dark as he sat up, tearing off blankets and clothing until his bare skin touched the night and the arc reactor illuminated his front. 

“God,” he whispered, restlessly moving up onto his knees, but he didn’t know where he should go, what he should do. “Lights,” he called out but nothing happened. Another wave of fear crashed towards him and he began to yell – then remembered they weren’t at the Tower. They were at the mansion, still renovating, having decided to spend the night instead of going off to wherever they were all staying – which in most cases would have been the Stark Tower. 

J.A.R.V.I.S. hadn’t been installed yet, although he would make it his top priority come morning, no matter what the others said. Hell, he could start on it now because there was no way he was going back to sleep – back to the dream. 

He struggled to put on some clothes and then stumbled out of his room, trying to find some place to anchor himself long enough that he could work. Coffee would be ideal to jump-start his brain, to drive him the rest of the way out of sleep and the haunting darkness that wasn’t there anymore. Hadn’t been, not really, but his mind kept expanding the experience, twisting it until he couldn’t cope anymore and he had to get out – 

“Are you having another panic attack?” 

He almost jumped out of his skin but it was a sufficient scare to jar him free of the remnants of the dream. In the darkness he saw Barton, sitting on one of the wide windowsills, illuminated by the light coming from the outside. Like a ghost, or a statue, still and silent. Who did that, especially in the middle of the night? 

People who couldn’t sleep like normal folks, apparently. 

“No,” Tony managed. “I’m fine.” 

“Okay. Just checking.” It sounded like Barton was onto him, though, yet had the surprising grace to not say anything. 

Tony continued past him to the half-finished kitchen. Well, more than half-finished, but it had a coffee machine and that was all that counted. It was all Tony needed right this instant. 

With shaking fingers he started the machine then waited anxiously. The comforting aroma filled the corner of the kitchen and he inhaled it greedily. He consumed enough coffee on an average day to not actually care how expensive it was, but right now the mere reminder of something earthy and normal put him back in his place – or thrust him in the right direction, anyway. 

He clasped the cup once it was full and wandered around the quiet halls, perhaps attracting some ghosts of the past to follow his steps… 

At the back of the mansion he found that perhaps more of the Avengers had issues with rest than he had originally thought; he saw Thor’s form on the back patio, seated and head thrown back, eyes gazing upwards. He wandered outside to see if there was something of interest the Thunderer was looking at but he could see nothing but the sky. 

“You can’t really see the stars here,” Tony noted, refusing to admit a shudder may have ran along his spine as he envisioned the stars they couldn’t perceive in the light pollution of New York City. 

“I have noticed this,” Thor nodded almost gravely. “My Jane likes the stars very much and she has told me much of them. Did you know your iron armor has as many lights as the Big Dipper has stars?” 

Tony frowned then counted: hand and boot repulsors, eyes and chest. “Huh,” he mused, sipping his coffee, looking up although he knew there was nothing to see but a shroud of clouds and a bleak imitation of a starry sky. Honestly, he had never thought Thor had even noticed his suit had lights, least of all how many. Maybe he didn’t give the guy enough credit. 

“Do your dreams bother you again, my friend?” Thor asked next, looking at him. 

Tony shrugged. “Maybe a little. I’m not big on sleeping anyway; a waste of my time. A necessity, though, for the brain and body to recuperate.” 

Thor accepted this in stride, whether he understood it or not. “The good Captain seems to require very little recuperation,” he commented then. 

Tony tried not to sneer. “Yeah, well, super-soldier…” 

“He does not sleep much.” 

“Good for him,” he replied, taking another gulp of the still-hot coffee, wondering why Thor cared about their leader’s sleeping habits. 

“I suppose he fears what awaits him when he sleeps,” Thor kept going. “You have that in common.” 

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Tony couldn’t help the bite in his tone. “He’s just afraid he’ll skip another lifetime if he snoozes.” 

“That, too,” Thor nodded. “I cannot imagine the pain of losing everyone you have ever known, no matter how long you have known them. I might not be able to cope with such a loss.” 

Tony was tempted to make a comment at Loki and how easily he had seemed to get over the ‘loss’ of his family, but that part of Thor’s family history was tangled at best so he refrained from doing so. Thor got all emotional whenever his brother was mentioned and Tony didn’t want to handle that even on the best of his days. 

Instead he thought of Rogers, wondering if he had ever really given the man some serious thought, least of all his possible adjustment problems and the fact that he had, in what was like an instant to him, lost his entire world. 

Maybe he would keep that in mind the next time Rogers nagged at him about something… 

The sound of steps on rough sand abruptly broke through the silence and Tony looked to the side, suddenly feeling vulnerable. The security systems worked but were nothing as sophisticated as when J.A.R.V.I.S. was running them, leaving him feeling like a glowing target painted in the night – which he was, quite practically, the darkness making the arc reactor glow even through his shirts. 

Rogers emerged from a grove of trees, looking like he had been out on a run. Tony guessed the guy either really enjoyed working out or was trying to run away from something. “Hey,” the super-soldier nodded at them, panting a bit, leaning on his knees although it wouldn’t be long before he was back to normal. “I didn’t think anyone else was up.” 

“I find the nights very peaceful,” Thor answered. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Tony responded. 

Rogers gave him a look. It was hard to say in the darkness but Tony was pretty sure Rogers would bring up the panic attack if he didn’t somehow divert his attention. “Should you be drinking coffee?” the man asked instead. 

“I’m not going back to sleep,” was Tony’s very reasonable reply. 

Rogers just sighed; not one of those long, annoyed huffs, but something that sounded like a personal failure. “Okay. Do you want to talk about it instead?” he asked then, hands moving to his hips, chest still heaving but not as much. 

“Nope,” Tony refused. 

“When your fears begin to control your life, it will be even more difficult to –” 

“It’s not fear,” Tony snapped, cutting Thor’s attempt at some ancient piece of wisdom. 

“No? It keeps you from your bed, seizes your body and steals the very air from your lungs. Tell me how that is _not_ fear,” the God of Thunder demanded, eyes piercing even in the dark. 

“I… No, it’s not…” Tony stopped himself and resolutely glared into the darkness. 

“It’s not weakness to ask for help when you need it – especially from those who would give it freely,” Thor kept insisting. 

“I’ve got it –” 

“Under control?” Rogers interrupted him. “Yeah, we’ve all seen that you have it well in hand. So well, in fact, that Miss Potts refuses to stay under the same roof with you and a mere nap makes you panic.” Tony met his steady gaze, neither one budging for a moment, then Tony threw back the rest of his coffee and looked out into the night again. “A bit longer like this and you’ll be useless to the team when we need to assemble again,” Rogers went on ruthlessly. 

Tony straightened, stance changing. “That’s not your call to make.” 

“Yes, it is,” Rogers met his aggression head-on. “If it comes to that, whom do you think Fury will pick if I tell him you’re unable to function and put everyone else at risk?” 

Tony clenched his jaw. 

“I will do it, too,” Rogers promised. 

“That’s not very supportive,” Tony murmured, but of course the man heard him. 

“We’re trying to be supportive. It’s all in your hands, Stark. Don’t force mine.” 

Tony chuckled. “Right, because you’re not tempted at all…” 

“You’re a part of this team. As a leader, I’m supposed to be concerned for all of you and know what you’re capable of – and where to draw the line.” 

“So how about you go inside and have this little chat with Barton?” Tony snapped. “I’m sure he would love to give you his two cents.” 

“He’s already getting himself help,” Rogers deadpanned. “He’s smart enough to do that. I heard you’re a genius so I’ve been waiting for you to do the same.” 

S.H.I.E.L.D. probably had some mandatory post-mission evaluation Barton had been forced to take, especially after being mind-controlled by Loki and his magic staff. Clearly it still bothered the archer but no one seemed concerned with that. Tony, however, had no intentions of sharing his innermost demons with someone who claimed to understand his problems. He had no doubts that J.A.R.V.I.S. would be able to give him an equal amount of therapeutic help at a fraction of the cost. 

Rogers and Thor seemed to be having some kind of wordless discussion while he concluded that, leading Rogers to take a seat on the patio’s edge as well, a good distance from Thor. “Please, sit down,” he said, patting the space between them. 

“I don’t feel like it,” Tony evaded the request, knowing where it would lead. 

“Just because I asked politely doesn’t mean it wasn’t an order,” Rogers half-snapped. 

“We’re not on the field,” Tony narrowed his eyes. 

Rogers just looked at him, as if asking whether he wanted to be in the future. 

Tony let out an angry hiss of air and slumped down between them. “If we’re going to share war-stories –” 

“I dream of the ice,” Rogers started before Tony could continue his rant. “There’s no way I could remember it, because I don’t even remember the crash, but my brain seems hell bent on snapshotting the seventy years I never lived. There’s not much more than darkness and cold in there, and the unbearable feeling of losing everything and everyone.” 

Tony could relate to that but he wasn’t going to say anything of the sort. “Hasn’t S.H.I.E.L.D. provided you with someone to talk to about this?” he asked. “Because I’m not paid enough for this shit.” 

Rogers gave him a glacial look. “I talked to people, in the beginning. Getting adjusted to a new era after missing a few took some effort. But when they ask whether there’s anything else, I say no.” 

“And you’re getting all hypocritical on my ass for not wanting to share about _my_ dreams? Figures.” 

“Well, I just told you why I don’t sleep at night,” Rogers shrugged. 

Tony looked at him suspiciously. “Just because you spilled your beans doesn’t mean I’ll do the same. You know that, right?” 

“I do,” Rogers muttered. “But sometimes it feels good talking to someone who gets it; someone who’s been there; someone who doesn’t judge you.” 

“I didn’t spend time as a Capsicle,” Tony noted. 

“I hear space is very cold any time of the year,” Rogers noted right back. 

Tony felt his breath catch then tried to force it to move again but knew there was no way Rogers hadn’t heard him fall right into his trap. “This isn’t… You’re not going to make me accidentally blurt it out,” he finished tersely. 

Rogers waited. On his other side, Thor was equally hushed and Tony wondered if he had fallen asleep, then looked and saw the demigod looking at them both with a calm expression. The silence continued, oppressing, pushing closer and closer and it felt like he was trapped in another kind of dream. 

When his breaths began to shorten, Thor reached out a hand and squeezed his shoulder. “You’re safe with us,” he insisted. “You can unburden your soul and none shall breathe a word of it outside these walls.” 

Tony felt like pointing out they were sitting outside at that very moment but instead he closed his eyes, trying to get his emotions under control. He wasn’t this man, ready to fall apart at the mention of something he secretly feared. He would take that fear and empower himself with it! 

“Nelson Mandela once said that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it; the brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear,” Banner’s voice cut in suddenly and they all jumped a little. The man stood behind them, giving them a brief smile, then cocked his head at Tony. “This needs to stop. I know whatever happened up there isn’t something we can ever grasp or understand, but talking about it might help. At least we would know not to say the wrong things.” And just like that he sat down, behind Tony, sort of sliding in and if Tony leaned back far enough, he could lie against him. 

He felt boxed in and the patio seemed to vanish, leaving only a gaping abyss in front of him. Either he stayed where he was – or attempted to escape and would probably fall into the awaiting darkness. Tony could argue, could tell himself he wasn’t scared, but part of him knew these men might not use this against him. They had their own concerns and fears, but sharing his own… 

“I keep thinking that had I given the order any sooner, we would have lost you,” Rogers spoke up after a while. Thor tensed on Tony’s other side. What Banner’s reaction was, it was impossible to tell without turning around or touching him. “We thought you were gone, that there was no way…” 

Did Rogers actually choke up? Tony looked at him in the dark, seeing his profile, the expression on his face shadowed yet pained. “Well, you didn’t lose me,” Tony tried to quip, to make it into a joke. “Tough luck.” 

Rogers glanced at him, not turning all the way as if he didn’t want to give Tony the satisfaction. “We almost left you on the other side,” he went on then, and Tony felt the unnatural cold of his dreams slither in. 

He swallowed, looking straight ahead, tense and silent for a long time. No one spoke; he could barely hear them breathe. The idea that he might have actually lived through those horrible dreams… “I dream about it,” he finally admitted, painfully and with immense regret. “Of being there, in the dark, with no way back, dying…” He cleared his throat sharply. “It’s not real, I know that. It was just… seconds. A minute, maybe. A few minutes. I wasn’t even conscious when I fell back through. It shouldn’t be so fucking hard to just… let go of it,” he admitted, hands squeezing his knees painfully. 

Banner shifted behind him, his body’s warmth closer yet not touching. “The mind cannot be fooled like the body can,” he stated. “You thought you were going to die, right?” 

Tony didn’t speak – couldn’t say it – but he nodded. He remembered watching the nuke sail across the darkness, then hit the mothership; forcing himself to look before letting it all go… “I didn’t want to die. That’s all I remember in the dreams, and it makes me feel so…” He looked at Thor. “I’m sure your people have a grand way of expressing how honorable it is to die for the right cause.” 

Thor nodded. “A warrior’s death. Yet it is one thing to embrace such a glorious ending and another to actually face it.” 

Tony let out a nervous laugh. “I’m sure all of you would have done better than I did.” 

On his left, Rogers shook his head. “No, Tony,” he said softly. “We would have all been afraid, and none of us would have wanted to go out like that, alone.” 

“You flew a plane into the sea of your own free will. Don’t give me that bullshit,” he retorted. 

“Listening to the voice of the woman I loved,” Rogers bit right back. “By the time I realized I didn’t want to do it, it was too late to do anything about it. Doesn’t mean I didn’t regret it in the end – that I wouldn’t have chosen to live had there been a way. To have that dance with her…” He took a sharp breath, looking away from them all for a moment. 

Tony didn’t buy it, not really. Rogers was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a coward. Never had been, his father had told him, and it was the one lesson Tony had taken to heart. Maybe there had been regret, a pang of fear, but he never would have turned that plane around if someone might get hurt because of it. That was the difference between the two of them. 

“Do you feel any better?” Banner asked. 

“No,” Tony groused. 

“Good,” the scientist commented, giving his shoulder a squeeze as he hoisted himself up. “That means you’re not fooling yourself into thinking that this one talk changes everything. Give it time… but not too much time.” Then he just left, in the direction of the kitchen, and Tony hoped there would be more coffee available soon. 

Rogers picked himself up next, shuffling off towards his room. Tony wondered if this had hurt the blond more than it had hurt him. 

Thor went next, clasping his shoulder, smiling slightly, then disappeared. It was odd to not hear the whisper of his cloak when he was in his ‘human’ clothes. 

Tony sat there a moment longer, shivering slightly, then rose and stepped inside, closing the patio doors, deciding he might as well start working on bringing J.A.R.V.I.S. into the mansion; chances were he would dream of space and ice both if he tried sleeping now. 

When he walked past the window where Barton had scared him upon his first entrance, he saw another figure had joined that of the archer; Romanoff was seated across from him, their feet touching in the middle, both of them quiet and still yet it seemed like a comforting gesture of sorts. 

For reasons Tony would never admit to anyone it reassured him to know that those two looked out for each other – just like it seemed the entire team was looking out for him. 

 

 

_to be continued…_


	6. Resurface

****

## Chapter 6: Resurface

 

 

****

### Avengers Mansion  
Fifth Avenue, Manhattan, New York, NY, USA

_He’s floating further away. There’s a pressure in his chest, increasing and uncomfortable._

_He knows he’s going to die. He doesn’t like it, doesn’t like that he can’t fight, that he’s going down – that he’s alone and that he’s losing everything and everyone._

_The despair grips him, without boundaries, without finesse, and the pressure is increasing, enveloping his body until he wants to sob and cry; crumble in a corner and crash with tears of fear in his eyes when he can’t do a damn thing about it._

_The sensations drown him, seeping closer, deeper, until all he feels is the inescapable suffocation beneath it all._

He started and shuddered out of the dream. The lights were on, which made him question what time it was, then Banner was barging into the room, wearing what he probably wore to bed, looking like someone had either just kicked or dragged him over there. 

Tony tried to sit up, to move, to just stop fucking _shaking_ , his heart working over-time and his chest feeling painful as it tried to expand. The arc reactor had never felt so constricting, so raw. It reminded him of the cave in Afghanistan and the nightmarish first days when he just wanted it all to end – before he planned on ending it all for very different reasons. 

“Bad dream?” Banner asked needlessly, pushing a hand through his rumpled hair. 

“I suppose,” Tony evaded the question, finally managing to sit up with an annoyed look on his face. “J.A.R.V.I.S.,” he called out. 

_“Yes, sir?”_ the AI responded promptly. 

“Did you just call Doctor Banner to my room?” 

_“Indeed I did, sir. Your breathing stopped for 1 point three minutes and your heartbeat was dangerously elevated.”_

Tony looked at Banner who was still standing there, wide awake yet looking like he would have preferred his own bed just about now. “This is not why I installed you here, J. You know that,” he muttered. 

_“Your well-being is my top priority, sir. Seeing as Doctor Banner is the most qualified person in the Avengers Mansion to give you medical attention, calling him was both necessary and reasonable.”_

Banner shrugged as if he wasn’t going to argue with J.A.R.V.I.S. about it. 

Tony, on the other hand, had all night to do that now. “Thanks,” he sighed to no one in particular and Banner took it as a sign to leave. He closed the door softly, leaving Tony to ponder how much of J.A.R.V.I.S.’s basic programming he would have to change in order to stop him from calling for help every time Tony twitched in his sleep. 

* * *

The mansion looked quite different. They had worked on it for the better part of two weeks, all of them rarely present at the same time since there were missions and other tasks to take care of as well. However, the Avengers Mansion was nearing completion, at least as far as it came to the personal and common facilities; the training areas and labs would take some more work but those were not on top of the list. 

Well, depending on whom you asked; Tony would have gladly started with the labs but Banner was of the opinion that the showers and kitchens came first. 

“It will be your fault when we conduct our scientific research in the kitchen sink,” Tony had warned. 

“We have the Tower for that,” Banner had reminded him, which kind of made Tony feel warm in the strangest of places; not only did it mean that Banner was staying, for now anyway, but he had also taken to heart Tony’s offer to use all his facilities, including the ten floors of R &D at the Stark Tower. 

They were in the middle of some heavy lifting in the gym area when Fury arrived. Tony was in his Iron Man armor, seeing as Thor was unavailable at the time and he had more precision control than Rogers would on his own. J.A.R.V.I.S. announced that the S.H.I.E.L.D. Director had entered the premises so Tony was fully prepared when the man in the long black coat and eye-patch entered the gym. 

“What an unpleasant surprise,” he commented, unable to imagine anything pleasant that Fury might come up with if he chose to meet them in person like this. He set down the heavy load, the suit smoothly straightening up. 

“Cut the pleasantries, Stark,” Fury snapped. “We have a situation.” 

“Sir?” Rogers was immediately alert. “You could have just called.” And of course in the next moment he was making sure he had his phone with him so that he couldn’t be caught not paying attention to possible calls from the shady organization. 

“I was in the neighborhood,” Fury replied, whatever that meant. “I’ve been hearing news of your little housing project.” 

“It’s a good team-building exercise,” Rogers replied at once. 

“It also gets all of them out from under your roof,” Tony added, not bothering to take off the helmet just yet. 

Fury gave him a quick glare from the corner of his eye; clearly he had gotten out of bed on the wrong side this morning. 

“You said there was a situation,” Barton cut in. 

“Yes,” Fury nodded. “Stark, if you would be so kind,” he handed him a small data disc. 

Tony took it carefully then inserted it into a slot revealed in the suit’s arm piece. The others stared for a moment, as if he had just eaten the thing, then J.A.R.V.I.S. moved the data to a screen he had already installed on the gym wall. So what if he liked watching stuff, or better yet, work on things, while he worked out? 

The screen showed data of some terrorist group that had recently been seen in Virginia, gathering intel. Tony wondered if the army knew about these guys – and if War Machine was already involved. If Fury was here, though, he doubted it. 

“We suspect they are planning to attack a weapons depot – to what end, we’re still not sure, but they’ve shown little love for our current government and that is causing some concerns.” 

“If you have them under surveillance, what’s the situation?” Romanoff asked. 

“They went off the radar seven hours ago and haven’t surfaced since,” Fury answered. He gave Tony the smallest of looks, knowing he would catch it. 

“That’s never good news.” Tony spoke from experience; he had spent plenty of time during his first months as Iron Man battling terrorists, local despots and private armies. He knew how these people operated, had learned to read the signs; when it was quiet you had to get on your toes and brace for impact. 

“Is the military not responding to the threat?” Rogers frowned. 

“Oh, they’re very interested, but if they get as far as the depot, a fire-fight in the middle of the compound is not desired.” 

“So they’d rather send us in, knowing we can take the heat,” Banner connected the dots as dispassionately as possible; clearly he could envision them wanting the other guy to drop into the middle of a small war zone. 

“There’s a chance they’ve got super-powered members in this cell,” Fury clarified. “That poses a threat the army cannot fully meet, much as they would like.” 

Rogers nodded. “We’re on it.” 

Fury seemed satisfied with that, then turned to Tony. “The available information is on that disc. Analyze it, try to see if you can track them down.” 

Tony snorted although no one could hear it. “You’re telling me I have better toys than you?” 

“I know you do; you never give us the best stuff,” Fury’s face didn’t even twitch as he said it. 

“Meh,” Tony shrugged then turned his attention to the Heads Up Display for a moment, seeing that J.A.R.V.I.S. was already processing the data. “J, when that’s done, let’s see if we can find these people,” he said, knowing the output sound was now turned off and the others wouldn’t hear him. 

_“Certainly, sir.”_

Tony followed the data stream for a moment, flashes of images and maps, timelines and profiles. He isolated a few members of the group; those presumed as the leaders and idealists and the few possibly in control of some powers. Where had all these people been hiding over the years, he wondered? Had they simply been more covert and now that there was a market for their skills, they were coming out of the woodwork? 

_“Shall I move your Stark Industries satellite into position over the state of Virginia?”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. asked next. 

“Assuming they are still there,” Tony mused. Well, they had been gathering most of their recent intel there so it was reasonable to assume that that’s where their target was… He marked the military bases and weapons depots on a map then opened on the screen inside the faceplate. While he had been deep in his thoughts, Fury had made his exit. The others were gathering their things. 

“Anything yet?” Banner asked him, stepping closer. 

“No, but give it a few minutes,” Tony gave him a smile then turned. “J, let’s swap the suit. I’m thinking something less passive-aggressive.” 

_“The new upgrade for Mark 7 is complete. I shall begin the start-up.”_

“You have spare armor at the Tower?” Barton asked. 

“Yeah. Hanging out with you guys has shown me that I should have a spare suit like Banner needs spare pants.” He flashed a grin at the scientist then snapped the faceplate back shut. “See you in a bit.” While flying inside the house was tricky – not to mention something Rogers had voted they should ban as soon as possible – they were in the middle of putting up some walls so there was more freedom to maneuver and he knew that once J.A.R.V.I.S. located their target, they would have to be on the move; he didn’t have time to walk out the door. 

And while he may have grazed the main doorway on his way out, a few splinters flying in the air as he sped upwards, it was convenient since now they could put up a new, better door in its place. 

* * *

It was a few hours later when Tony had located the terrorists and a Quinjet flew down to take the Avengers to the site. 

“You destroyed the door!” Rogers snapped once he got in. 

Tony rolled his eyes and decided he should have gone with his gut and flown instead of hitching a ride. “It’s my door,” he reminded the man. 

“So just because you own something you can wantonly destroy it?” the man snapped, pulling down his cowl. 

“Uh… yeah?” Tony replied, thinking it was the right answer. 

“If our stuff gets stolen, you’re buying us new ones. Better ones,” Barton threatened, inspecting some of his arrows. 

Romanoff just stared. 

Tony looked at Thor – apparently having arrived in time for the mission but not the actual work – who simply grinned, probably thinking it had been good sport for him to exit like that. “We fixed the door and if anyone dare enter, they shall feel our wrath upon our return,” the God of Thunder decided. 

“I’m sure J.A.R.V.I.S. can handle anyone who tries their luck,” Banner added. He was probably so used to smashing through walls and doors that it didn’t faze him much when others did it. 

“That’s not the point,” Rogers sighed then went into full Captain America mode and demanded details of what they were heading into. 

Tony was happy to change the subject and showed them all he had been able to add to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s pre-existing file. It wasn’t much, but enough to get them on their trail and possibly intercept the attack. 

“We must stop them from getting access to any weapons,” Rogers said needlessly. 

“I think I’ll try to sit this one out,” Banner said next. Everyone understood why; the Hulk in a weapons depot wasn’t something anyone wanted to see unless absolutely necessary. 

“We’re beginning our descent,” the pilot called from the front of the Quinjet. Everyone started giving their gear the final check – or as in Thor’s case, shifting one’s hammer impatiently. 

“J.A.R.V.I.S., scan the area again, see if you can locate something. Access cameras and CCTV.” 

_“Beginning system infiltration now, sir,”_ the AI replied. Tony felt like smiling; it was always nice how he could trust J.A.R.V.I.S. to break several laws and not blink one virtual eye. 

The Quinjet landed and the hatch opened to let them out. For now, Tony decided to walk with the rest of them, waiting for J.A.R.V.I.S. to access the on-site feeds. 

He didn’t have to wait for long: _“Sir, I am in. There’s a virtual fingerprint indicating the security system was hacked thirteen minutes ago.”_

“They’re already in,” Tony told the others. They gave him a look that said they knew by now, even without J.A.R.V.I.S. talking to all of them over the comm signal, where he got his information. 

“Let’s move,” Rogers decided. “Stark, Thor, try to see if you can draw them out.” 

“What, no stealth approach?” Tony joked, already preparing to take off. Above them the wind began to howl and clouds gather, thunder rolling in the distance as Thor began to swing his hammer by the strap in its handle. 

“Can you locate them?” Rogers asked. “If not, we’re running out of time and need to engage them before they can move on with their plan. Hawkeye, find high ground; that light mast should work nicely.” 

“Sure thing, Cap,” the archer nodded and moved out, Romanoff on his tail to be ready when they caught the sight of the terrorists. Rogers followed the two of them, quick and agile as he moved. Tony could have watched them go but nodded at Thor instead, who rose into the air, red cloak billowing. The guy was just as much of an eye-catcher as the Iron Man suit which shouldn’t make it hard for anyone to spot them. 

_`“Three guards down over the east fence. They came in through here,”`_ Romanoff reported a moment later. 

_`“Nice of them to cut the fence for us,”`_ Barton agreed. 

Tony looked down, the HUD zooming in and changing to infra-red, tracking his friends on the ground. Thor was ahead of him, thunder striking down, illuminating him for a brief second before plunging the sky into darkness again. The clouds were getting heavier above them and the night was falling fast. 

“Okay, I think I see them,” Tony announced suddenly; J.A.R.V.I.S. flagged a building at the same time as Tony caught someone staring up at them, then drawing back inside. “Warehouse 15-B. Could be a friendly –” A shot was fired from somewhere around that area, hitting the armor but doing nothing to harm him. “Okay, scratch that, not a friendly. That guy is paying for my new paint job.” He swooped down, encountering more shots directed his way. They weren’t shooting with anything big, though, so he wasn’t concerned. 

With his usual grace and style he landed in front of the warehouse and rose to his feet, eyeing the door that was now firmly shut. “J.A.R.V.I.S., how many are in there? Show me the layout and positions.” The HUD came to life, showing him the warehouse framework and the positions of the people inside. 

_“There is a possibility of captives,”_ the AI added, flagging a few of the people inside as potential friendlies. 

“Of course,” Tony sighed unhappily. It always made things tricky. “Any weaponry inside?” 

_“Other than the arms they are carrying, none. Just gear and spare parts stored in the warehouse; no hidden underground areas or rooms detected in the preliminary scan.”_

“So why that building? Did they get bad directions or something?” Tony frowned. It didn’t add up; if these people were here for the weapons, why choose one of the warehouses _not_ filled with weapons? “Cap, did you hear that?” 

_`“I did, Stark. Wait for us.”`_

“Right…” Tony murmured, looking around. It was quiet. Even at night he supposed a place like this had tight security. Where was everyone? “J, trace back the security footage. Where’s the staff here?” 

There was silence while J.A.R.V.I.S. processed the information, perhaps hacking a few levels deeper into the footage. 

_“Sir, a manual override would be useful,”_ the AI replied soon. 

Tony looked around – then down. “Show me the cables connecting to the mainframe.” The HUD changed his view of the ground, showing grids of cables instead. He rounded the building and found the right one, bracing himself then shoving his fist through the concrete and asphalt, digging out the bundle of cables. He separated one from the rest then opened a panel in the armor and connected a few wires to the broken cable. Data began to whirl across the HUD and he watches as J.A.R.V.I.S. methodically broke in then searched for what he wanted. 

_“Sir, it would seem most of the compound staff has been locked in the bunker on the other side. All connections in and out have been cut off in that building.”_

“And then they kept a few around for insurance,” Tony nodded. He glanced up, motioning for Thor to join him on the ground. With a whoosh of air the God of Thunder landed, looking around warily. “That bunker over there,” Tony pointed. “Why don’t you go knock on their door – but gently; the soldiers who are supposed to be guarding this place are held prisoner there. Tell them to stay out of the way if this gets nasty.” 

Thor nodded. “It will be done, Man of Iron.” With Mjolnir it would take him about two seconds to open the bunker like a tin-can, after which he would join the rest of the team. 

Tony tugged the wires free and back into the suit, straightening up. Rogers and Romanoff rounded a corner just then, the latter giving him a quick once-over as if to see if he had been up to something forbidden while they were underway. 

“They’re still inside?” Rogers asked. 

“Yup,” Tony replied, checking once again. “Some movement but nothing alarming. Does it seem off to you that a group after some firepower chooses to hang out in a place like that when they’ve managed to get in here and secure the place?” 

“Could they have known we were coming?” Romanoff frowned. 

“They’re not packing enough firepower to stop even one of us,” Tony informed her. 

“It doesn’t make sense but if they have prisoners, we’ll have to take them down,” Rogers decided. “Hawkeye, keep your eyes open.” 

_`“Nothing’s moving out here but us,”`_ came Barton’s reply which was a clear indication he didn’t like how this felt either. 

By then Thor had released the military staff imprisoned in the bunker and returned, striding proudly, hammer in hand, hair and cloak billowing behind him. “The defenders of this stronghold have been released but they were not pleased by your request to stay away while we fight this enemy,” he told Tony. 

Itching to correct their Asgardian friend’s vocabulary, Tony turned towards him, but Rogers noticed and shifted his shield. “Good,” their leader replied. “Let us release the rest of them.” 

Thor nodded enthusiastically yet his face was appropriately grim. 

“Widow, find a quiet way in and see if you can spot what they’re up to,” Rogers went on and Romanoff took off. It didn’t take long before she reported back: 

_`“They seem to be just… standing around. No weapons but their own, a few hostages tied securely.”`_

“Alright,” Rogers replied. Even through his cowl Tony could see he was frowning. Rogers then looked at him. “Stark, be a good guest and go knock on the front door. See if you can buy the rest of us enough time to free the remaining hostages.” 

“On it,” Tony said, walking back around the building while Rogers and Thor took the other direction. He got to the main doors, firmly closed, then banged on the middle, making the metal dent a bit. “Whoops,” he noted sarcastically. “J.A.R.V.I.S., track the movement inside.” 

_“It seems they heard you, sir.”_

“If they don’t start moving towards the door, we’ll just have to knock again – or let ourselves in,” Tony decided. The thermal cameras showed that the people inside had moved to circle the door, probably at good vantage points to fire at him if he came in by force. No one could say Iron Man wasn’t willing to step into a trap even on his worst day, so Tony pushed against the wide doors again, making them twist and finally fall half-way off their hinges, letting him in. No sooner had he placed one boot inside the doorway that he was being fired upon, from ground level and above – which of course didn’t stop him from making his approach, then return the fire indirectly, aiming at crates and structures that would take out the enemy without killing them; he had a feeling Fury wanted to sit a few of these people down for a nice little chat. 

He detected some extra noise coming from further back where he knew the prisoners were being held. A flash like lightning filled the air for a moment, introducing Thor into the battle. 

_`“We have the hostages,”`_ Rogers reported. _`“They appear mostly unharmed.”`_

Tony took out the rest of the shooters with gas then started digging them out of the rubble and placing them in a pile in the middle of the floor. Thor joined him a moment later, grunting with approval. 

The click of boots announced the arrival of the military inside the warehouse, armed and ready to do what they hadn’t been able to manage in the first place. The man who seemed to be in command told them to halt, taking in the sight of the unconscious or wounded terrorists. Rogers joined them along with Romanoff and the rest of the staff, the two leaders shaking hands, the military officer a bit hesitantly. 

“I trust you and your men are well?” Rogers said pleasantly. 

“No severe injuries,” the man replied, then glanced at the captured terrorists. “These are all you found?” 

“There are more?” Rogers questioned. 

“Yes. These are but a fraction of the force that broke into the compound.” 

“We’ll find the rest of them,” Rogers promised. 

“I thank you for the offer but the situation is under control –” 

“When we arrived, you’d had your asses handed to you by these guys,” Tony interrupted. 

That, as could be predicted, didn’t gift him the warmest of looks, but the military was used to dealing with Iron Man and his running commentary. 

_`“If you’re all done shaking each others’ hands, there’s movement in the middle of the compound and I think that big rocket they’re aiming skywards isn’t meant for fireworks,”`_ Barton interrupted them. 

“Stark,” Rogers started. 

“Pinpoint it,” Tony told J.A.R.V.I.S. who immediately spread a map of the compound in front of his eyes, finding the weapon they were preparing to shoot. It looked like they had either removed a missile from somewhere or put it together from a couple pieces; he would have to get closer for a proper analysis. It didn’t seem like it had a launching mechanism but he wasn’t going to let that lull him into a comfortable illusion that they had time to sort this out. “I’ll fly over and take a look,” he said into the comm. 

“Stark, wait!” Rogers snapped hurriedly, turning towards him. For a split second he wore that same expression from when he held Tony’s hands on the couch, telling him he was safe. 

Tony realized what this was about; they didn’t think he could do it. 

He was about to tell Rogers where exactly he could shove his misplaced concerns when Barton spoke up again: _`“Stark, you better get out here and stop talking about it; I don’t think these guys are here for take-out.”`_

“Are they trying to blow up the entire compound?” Romanoff asked, as calm as always, even when they would all probably be incinerated should the depot blow up. 

_`“No, but… they’re doing something funky with that missile,”`_ Barton observed. 

“Funky?” Rogers asked before Tony switched on the thrusters, rising into the air and out of the broken doorway, soaring between buildings towards the location where the remaining terrorists were. Sure enough, their missile contraption was standing upright in the air, held up by a huge mountain of a man who looked like the Hulk on steroids – just without the green complexion. 

“Thor, I found you a playmate,” Tony announced, seeing the guy lift the missile off the ground without any effort; now that took some muscle. 

He stopped short, hovering above the dozen armed men and one human mountain holding the missile. “Put it down!” he ordered. 

“How about we play catch, Tin Can?” the mountain roared – which was all the warning Tony got before the giant tossed the missile into the air with a mighty roar as it were a javelin. The weapon’s own engine started up almost immediately, propelling it upwards and making it swoosh past Iron Man into the sky. Tony knew it would drop eventually and he didn’t want to guess where. 

“Guys, I think I have a date. I trust you to handle the rest of these guys,” he noted as he raced after the speeding missile. 

_`“Stark, what are you doing?”`_ Rogers asked, alarmed. 

“Don’t get your star spangled panties in a twist, Cap; I’ll handle this,” Tony responded then switched off the comm channel. “J, see if you can figure out where it’s headed,” he requested, keeping his eyes on the thin smoke trail and the missile that was leveling out slightly. 

_“Judging from the missile’s current altitude, speed, and angle, the calculations show a possible impact somewhere in Washington, D.C.”_

“Delightful,” Tony muttered. “Intercept it; they have to have programmed it.” 

_“Remote access failed, sir.”_

Tony just groaned and pushed up faster. This was giving him all the wrong vibes and had stopped being fun a while ago. There might not be an alien space portal waiting for him but everything else was going according to the old manuscript. He caught up with the missile, hesitating for a few seconds, not wanting to do it. How easy it would be to just break off and say he… what, missed it? 

There was no room for him to fail without someone else paying the price and so he grabbed on, trying to find a panel – something to give J.A.R.V.I.S. direct access and get him rid of this thing. His weight, however, started to drag the weapon down while he struggled to find a port to connect to or a way to dismantle the missile while not blowing it up in his lap. 

_“May I suggest leveling out?”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. quipped unnecessarily. 

“You think?” Tony ground out, vertigo gripping him slightly. His interference with the missile finally pulled it completely out of its path and they both began to lose altitude, fast. “Might as well…” Tony mused, looking down, trying to keep his stomach in its rightful place; he had done this before, a dozen times, crashing down, although he usually wasn’t clutching an armful of explosive power when he did. 

He saw blue beneath him, a large mass of water, and decided that was as good a place as any. The armor angled the course while he hoped the missile wasn’t set to blow prematurely; that would be very uncomfortable for him especially if it had more power than the armor could take. His breath caught, eyes staring at the increasing, spreading dark blue beneath him – above him. He closed his eyes, recalling the stars, a foreign sun just behind the mothership – then opened them and saw nothing but the water, the miniature waves that were almost too small to see, boats docked at the shore. 

The rocket engine sputtered near his feet and Tony forced himself to let go, freefalling next to the missile for a moment before angling his body and the armor, shooting to the side. They broke the water’s surface at the same time, the armor not designed for this but Tony knew it could take it. A split second later he heard the explosion, felt the wave, the force pushing him to the side and back up, out of the water like a jerking fish caught in a line after a speeding power boat. He caught himself before splashing back down, thrusters working, keeping him flying above the surface while his entire body shook slightly in the aftermath. 

It hit him as he floated there, hovering, not knowing what he was waiting for but unable to leave. Beneath him the water eased, smoothing itself over as if nothing had happened. Just like the sky after the portal closed, he had heard. No trace left. 

In the distance, at the edge of the water, the Quinjet landed, which had to mean the terrorists had been contained and the Avengers had come to check on their emotionally damaged member. Slowly he forced himself to move, to fly over and land beside the aircraft. Rogers looked eager to say a few things to him but held back; Banner was the one to step forward, tapping his helmet as a sign that Tony should take it off. 

He did, breathing the air, confusing the brain that thought he should be suffocating. “That was completely unnecessary,” the scientist noted, looking up at him. 

“It was? If that thing had hit the Capitol, would you be saying that?” Tony asked. 

Banner shook his head. “You know what I mean.” 

“Maybe,” Tony didn’t admit anything. “Can’t be sure if you’re going to be this cryptic with me.” 

“I thought you liked it this way,” Banner teased. 

Tony forced a smile to his face. 

Rogers finally gave up, striding forward. “What the hell was that? You could have gotten yourself killed!” 

“As long as none of you were going to fly after that thing, what was I supposed to do? Throw rocks at it?” Tony snapped back. “Thor was going to be busy taking down that steroid monster and he wouldn’t have been fast enough to catch up anyway.” 

Rogers’ jaw shifted; he knew that was the truth, the logical choice. Cap liked logical things as much as Tony himself . “You could have frozen,” he said next, tone much lower. 

“But I didn’t,” Tony replied. No need to tell them he had almost gone around the bend a few times up there, close to losing his nerve. He had pulled through, though, and that was all that mattered. That was all anyone needed to see. “Are we done here?” he asked next. 

“Yes,” Rogers admitted. “The army and S.H.I.E.L.D. can fight over the imprisoned terrorists, but as far as we’re concerned, the job’s finished.” 

“Good,” Tony noted then put his helmet back on and shot into the sky, heading out towards New York City and the Stark Tower. 

No sooner did he land that Pepper was there, her eyes red and puffy, a rigid manner to her posture. “Take that helmet off!” she ordered. 

Tony felt tempted not to, then noticed Happy in the corner, watching them, a solemn look on his face. Something was up. 

_“Sir, may I inform you that your latest stunt was caught on several cameras and has just hit YouTube,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. told him. 

Well, that made sense. He did as he was told, offering a quick smile. “Saved another day –” 

She lifted her hand and he fully expected her to strike him across the face. That would hurt more than when Banner did it, for sure. 

Pepper stopped herself, though, stumbling forward instead and embracing him desperately, mindless of the suit that could use some patching up and a new paint job to cover the bullet marks. 

“Hey,” he said softly, trying to pet her hair, making a mess of it with his gauntlet, “I’m okay.” 

Pepper pulled back, tears on her face, body shuddering. She shook her head then moved back towards the couch to calm herself; Tony knew what she was doing, had seen her do it too many times over the years – and far more often after he put on the armor for the first time. She didn’t say a single word but perhaps that was a good thing. 

Tony glanced at Happy who gave him a ghost of a smile and a nod, approaching Pepper with something that looked like a pack of tissues. She smiled at him, took one and blew her nose, still refusing to look at Tony. 

“Let’s get me out of this thing,” Tony said quietly, stepping over to a platform that would allow J.A.R.V.I.S. to take off the armor. By the time he was free, body aching in a few places thanks to his impromptu dive, Pepper and Happy were gone. He sighed, taking the seat she had vacated just a moment ago. “Was she upset?” he asked the AI. 

_“Miss Potts seemed quite worried by how similar this stunt was to the one during the Chitauri attack. She was also quite relieved that you survived unharmed,”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. replied. 

“Is she feeling better now?” Tony asked, palming his face, eyes closed. 

_“Mr. Hogan is giving her a shoulder to cry on.”_

Tony nodded. He was glad she had someone when she needed them, because just like Tony had an unwillingness to share his problems, she was not very good at unburdening herself to Tony about the things that mattered. She would be okay, though. They would be okay. 

_“Are you alright, sir?”_ J.A.R.V.I.S. asked after a moment of silence, save for the steady hum of the machinery. 

“I think so,” Tony admitted. 

_“Captain Rogers wishes to inform you that there shall be a debriefing at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier in two hours. He expects you to be there.”_

“Of course.” 

_“He also stated that the Avengers shall continue the mansion renovations first thing tomorrow.”_

Tony snorted and smiled. “Roger that. Let’s look at some alternative door designs while we’re on topic. I’m thinking an underground workshop in the backyard that opens through a secret doorway in a whirlpool bath.” 

_“I am not certain whether Captain Rogers would approve of such a hidden exit. Or the whirlpool bath in the backyard.”_

“He’s just old-fashioned.” 

_“I fail to see the practical applications of such an exit, especially during the winter.”_

“You’re such a spoilsport, J.A.R.V.I.S., and you sure didn’t pick that up from me.” 

_“Of course not, sir.”_

However, perhaps a secret exit going through a whirlpool wasn’t all that practical – it might get his suit wet before he even got to the scene of action – so perhaps something more old-fashioned would have to do. “I think I’ll take a nap before I have to go to S.H.I.E.L.D. Wake me up fifteen minutes before the meeting starts.” That would make him late enough to get on people’s nerves but not make him miss anything important. 

_“And should there be nightmares?”_ the AI prodded. 

He hesitated. “Wake me up. Just don’t call Banner.” 

_“Yes, sir.”_

* * *

As it happened, he fell asleep almost instantly after hitting the mattress in the workshop – and the only nightmare he encountered was Fury’s rant when he came to the debriefing twenty minutes late. Tony had no illusions that it would last but he would take all the peace of mind he could get, whenever he could get it. 

 

 

****

#### The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author’s note:** In case someone is wondering, this story takes place before the events of “Smashed Heart” although it was written after the aforementioned fic.
> 
> * * *
> 
> For more Turquoise stuff, visit [avengers-turquoise.tumblr.com](http://avengers-turquoise.tumblr.com)  
> For more author news, check out [delrion-news.tumblr.com](http://delrion-news.tumblr.com)


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